A tender look, A passing glance, a slight drooping of eyelids,
A wink, A twitch of the eyelashes .. anything to let me know what you feel for me.

Is it too much to ask for?

A sweet smile, A few loving words, A cute making of faces with your mouth.
Anything to let me know that you care for me.

Is it too much to ask for?

A beat in your heart,
A place in your thoughts,
A role in your dreams,
The air in your breath,
A lifetime with me,
A death in your lap;
Anything to let me know that you will be mine forever

Is it too much to ask for?

Randomness galore, blurring realities …..
A walk down the thought lane ….. mired in haze …
Plethora of emotions, spitted on the walls….
Nothing legible , yet spiky , long lost reasons still ranting , “Encore” !
A zigzag of contemplations, all in this fuzziness… all in this maze.
Tired of this randomness, tired of being the spittoon
Tired of searching through the labyrinth
The tiny twig called hope, somewhere, raising its heard through the crack
Brave enough to live in the ruin(s)
Want to ride the snake, seven miles length
Want a refuge in sanity, want to get back on the guillotine !!

A story of a man, who is in a hospital and he is dying. His wife has been sitting by his bedside for three days and three nights. Somewhere in the third day between night and day, she let off his side and dozes off to sleep.
He felt her when she doze of to sleep and at the same time he felt himself start to die.
He didnt want her to see him pass away . So he took his notepad by the side of the bed and he wrote

Softly
I will leave you
Softly
For my heart would break
If you should wake
And see me go
So I leave you
Softly
Long before you miss me
Long before your arms can beg me stay
For one more hour
For one more day
After all the years
I cant bare the tears
To fall
So softly,
so softly
I will leave you
I will leave you there

-Elvis

There she was sleeping .. there I was watching her in slumber ...

Together .. yet far spaced ...

So much peace on her face .... Oblivious to the turmoils in my mind ...

Peace and turmoil ..... Sanguinity and typhoon .. all together and not a wink to seperate

She was dreaming .. so was I ....

One in faraway with the sandman ... one in reality, all alone .. watching, cogitating ...

Two dreams .. two illusions ... both ready to fade off once the sleep is over ....

Still she slept .. tired and bereft of sleep .. resting her eyes .. preparing herself for the new day ...

Still I watched ... tired and bereft of sleep.... watching her .... no new day to look forth ...

Watching , cherishing each moment ...eyes paining ... yet ... cherishing .. dont want to close them lest any moment is lost ...

Dawn arrives .... with birds chirping .... Looking out of the window .. seeing it arrive ...

Was it dawn ?.. or was it reality that dawned ? ..

Both wake .. .... going back to the humdrum ....

One happy .... One sad !!

A difference in those eyes …. A difference in the way they looked at me …..
I could make out …. A slight difference and it was there a moment though …..
Maybe my imagination … maybe my fault of vision ….
Maybe my bias in seeing ... Maybe my hope
Anyways … It doesn’t matter..
When all that matters, is to keep them happy …
All that matters is to see that they are dry …
All that matters is to see a twinkle in them...
All that matters is … that it doesn’t matter how they look at you ….

"i feel so peculiar, i don't know what to say.

but don't let me fool you...i'm not one bit afraid, no way.

one thing's for sure, what i would I give to simply open the door

and see your smiling face.

Hello, hello,won't you come right in?

i'd give anything just to see you again.

Hello, hello, won't you come right in,step into my world where you

know you're everything... everything i need.

i'm suddenly hopefulwhenever you're in sight,that's right.

i talk about you all day;

i whisper your name at night.

whatever you need, well i'd give it,you should ask it of me, to make you feel complete.

Hello, hello...i feel so peculiar, i feel so strange..."

-SugarBomb

Cruising on the highway ..... dark in the night

nook and corners ..... darkness sway .....

Light by the lamp-post .....

Shadows .... light .. psychedelic interplay

Searching for the silhouette

whose shadow I can never be

Aimless ambling down the alley

mindless rantings in the cranny

tears in my eyes ... fret on my face

I carry on the search,

regardless of what it means to me

I see the apparition, far away ... lost and frail
with tear down a cheek.... asking me

"Destiny or ... life's irony ?"

My way !!!

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.

Ive had my fill; my share of losing.

And now, as tears subside,I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;And may I say - not in a shy way,

No, oh no not me,I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught.

To say the things he truly feels;

And not the words of one who kneels.

The record shows I took the blows -And did it my way!

-Elvis Presley (My Way)

Faking reality !!!

This is the end..

Beautiful friend..

This is the end ...

My only friend, the end

.........

The blue bus is callin us

The blue bus is callin us

Driver, where you taken us ...

..........

....Cmon baby, take a chance with us

And meet me at the back of the blue bus

Doin a blue rock

On a blue bus

-Morisson's Blue Bus

Blue bus deep and wide , Fathomless and yet unfathomable

Life's totality, a mere bottomless pit....

Mere aquaintances and life's jeopardies..

Awake in us the fear of death

Death, the constant, death, the bus,

death ... truth , death the colossus,

Death .. mother.

Come dearest, come to me !!!

Gathered in her arms, holding her hand,

let us walk past the aisle of life, with mirth and glee.

To the reality, to the master, to father and to eternity

Flee doth not, from the eventuality,

With earnest, the master shall hear thy plea.

Mother save me, Father redeem me from this farce and

free me !!!

My tryst with Psalm twenty three (part 2)

"The concepts of shadows. Metaphorically it can be associated with the problems that we face in life. There are some characteristics of shadows that are worth mentioning -Shadows like problems are much bigger than the actual object. Similarly we tend to build up on our problems and make it the monster that it is actually not. - Shadows can’t hurt us. We can be run over by a bus, but we cannot be run over by the shadow of a bus. The problems might be huge but then there is no such problem that can actually cause us mortal harm. Hence no need to make the problem huge and then worry our heads off. - Where there is shadow ( problem) there is light. In the case of problems the light comes in the way of the faith in God. Taking the example of the famous story of Alexander's horse, who was uncontrollable by anybody. Alexander could realize that it was afraid of its own shadow. Hence he caught the nape of the horse and put his face towards the light. The horse not being able to see its own shadow calmed down immediately. Later on Alexander fought many battles on this horse. In the light of the problems, we can also do the same by keeping our face towards the light i.e. our faith in the Lord. It is this faith that will help us walk through the valley of the shadow of death. "

My tryst with psalm twenty three !! (Part 1)

I still remember vividly the day when I wanted to visit the holy abode of the richest God in town. Hence one fine Sunday evening, I went to the assembly of God Church located in the posh locale of park street ( somewhere near, I guess).

The day was marked with all my unhallowed intentions to impress a member of the fairer regime who happened to belong to the same beliefs. People have different view points regarding the golden way to a lady's heart. I was in search of a newer one.

With all the unholy intentions, thus, I arrived at the church. Added on to that was my inherent interest in the various civilizations of the worlds ( pun intended - I would keep referring to worlds time and again)
Indeed the church appeared befitted the God it represented. Golden railings to lush , upholstered stairways. God alone knew who funded these dwellings. All I could think of was the barren aisles of the mosque that I frequent sparingly once a week.
As we approached the prayer room, I could hear the sounds of music. Then I entered a hallway, complete with devotees, choir, priest and ... a large screen with the hymns coming on them for people to karaoke along....
This was something that I had never experienced in a mosque and for that matter even in a temple. The entire ambience was jovial and happy and slowly, I was absorbed into it. Little did I know, in a few moments, I was singing the hymns along with the choir.
Somehow I could feel but the shadow of the girl next to me.
A little while later, I was all into the choir singing and enjoying the music to the fullest.

After a little while later the choir stopped and the priest came up for the sermon. I was wondering as to how I would be able to survive the onslaught of wise sayings, something that I am not much into, even coming from the Imams.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23

These were the lines that the priest would be explaining for the next two hours. " what the pain in the a***" was what I could think of. But then the priest utter certain truths, certain gospel truths (pun intended) that I would like to share with all of you.

"Everybody has their own high and low points. Hence we can't just ignore them. Even the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor have their own crests and troughs in life. Hence no one can avoid them too. There is a place near Jerusalem called the Valley of the shadow of death, a deep gorge that remained in twilight for most part of the day. In the metaphorical sense, it represents the low points in our lives.
As the psalm goes, while we are going through such a bad phase we should be as calm as possible ( the walking shows calmness). Further the phase is temporary, this explains the walking part. The Psalm doesn’t ask you to run; neither does it tell one to sit. This signifies the temporary nature of the low period in our life.
When one is in the low of life, be happy because as the better things are sure to come. While in the highs of life, be prepared for the forthcoming low phase.
As the psalm goes, it is during these times that a person is the most vulnerable to bad influences. Hence it advices to be wary of the evils of the world. It asks one to have faith in the lord. As it further says, I would fear no evil; as the lord is there with us with his rod and his shaft.
The rod is used by the shepherds to ward off any wolf attacking the sheep, while the shaft is used to keep the sheep from going away from the path. Hence we pray to the Lord to be kind enough to lead us through the bad times, warding off all the evils laid in our way to harm us and also to guide us to the righteous path. "

-to be continued

Self Denial, coyotes and dogs !!

“Rehne de mera ye wehem pe hi yakin” – Euphoria

At some point or the other in life, I have seen people indulging in some form of self denial. Something that has intrigued me since long. Hence I thought of venting out my thoughts about this “farce inducer”.
Sometimes it makes me think as to what is it that makes people fall in such a mud bath knowing very well to be a falsity.
There are some major instances of self denials that I have faced in life; hence I draw all my inferences for this penning of mine from those.
When we are kids then we have more on the lines of gaining acceptance from their parents. More or less living in own own fantasia, we as kids, don’t know when these spill over to the real world.
Just to draw an analogy, it has been scientifically proven that dogs do have the same lineage as the coyotes. Both the dog and coyote pups behave in the same manner. The real difference arises when they actually grow up. The dogs are never able to come out of the puppy stage. While the coyotes become killing machines, maybe it is the conditioning that the dogs have to face at the hands of the humans that kept them in the state of self denial and eventually evolving into a new variant of the species.
Here I am taking the “author” liberty to compare the homo-sapiens with their canine counterparts. I am apologetic to any coyotes, if their egos get hurt in any manner.
Is it conditioning for us to be in the same state of self denial that we are subject to as children? Are we never able to get out of the Shangri-la of random thoughts and illusionary cerebrations?
Again drawing from my inferences from my personal life, it is mostly when we are in the phase of love that we undergo this phenomenon. Love in all its totality.
A person may not be the favorite of the parents. Obviously the parents are human beings too and they can take the liberty, maybe implicitly, to go in for favorites amongst their own children. Then the same stage of self denial where in one is reluctant to agree that he/she is not the “apple of the eye” of the parents.
Then obviously, comes the stage of love, as it perceived most commonly by the people. Since the time one sets an eye on someone and his/her heart skips a beat, the person enters into a state of self denial, marked by heightened expectations and mindless fallacies. All in the name of being a romantic.
Humans don’t have the heart to accept the reason of denying self denial, in other words, having the heart to accept the reality. Because that comes with a lot of mortal “hurt”.
Somewhere inside you are aware of the truth and moreover you may think that what you think is actually coming from a logical conclusion drawn keeping to lieu of all your mental faculties, yet I have realized but late, that it is the work of the very psyche of the state of self denial, that makes us think the way we think.
Hard to understand and only fathomable when explored, lets not be conditioned by the hyper state of emotions for that makes us dogs not coyotes J . Not a conclusion, but an advice….

Those eyes !!!

Eyes ... say a lot .... They convey eons in an iota ....
One look and your life gets changed for ever.
One harsh look and you are done for ever.
They smile, they hate, they call you .. they beckon ....
They size you, they choose you, yes they reckon ..
They quiver in fear.. they subjugate
They shed water, in joy and in hate
They dilate on seeing the beloved .....

I met one such pair of eyes once. And I fell in love with them.
When she laughed, they smiled in glee. Even when she didn’t they didn't stop their mirth. Sometimes mischievous sometimes childlike ... they always pranced upon me as if asking me to play along. When I could understand their language then looking at me accusingly... Playing along was what I did . For I could do anything for those two marvels.

Then came the sad part. I liked that pair of eyes so much that I thought that they were for me. I wanted to control their ethereal dance, I wanted them to look at me and no one else.
Whenever they would chance on anyone else then it would arise my ire. I loved them so much and yet I didn’t realize that it is not bondage that those eyes wanted. They were free and wanted to unravel the mysteries. see new things. And they were not ready to be enslaved, to anyone.

The same pair of eyes now looked at me with fear. Blissfully unaware in my own self induced chimera, i was not able to see the difference. When I used to get angry, they used to quiver and get wet. Small trickles used to run out and I didn’t care. For I thought them as mine. And then one fine day. I chanced upon them again and I didn’t see anything. That sparkle was gone. Now they looked glazed whenever they looked at me and that was when I realized that I could never have them look at me the same way as before......

They now look the different way and see different light ... I am happy that where they look, they see sparkle and reflect them like the twinkling of the stars.

Sometimes on lonely nights I do remember them, but I know that they are going to light up my life no more.

Redemption

Endless boundaries …. Mindless sanity
Friendship hurts, love’s calamity

Morrison’s blue bus….. Et tu brutus ??
Walking down the corridor, holding a light
Darkness fatal or is it light?

Up comes a bump, I feel something
I touch it and I feel it and try to cling
It strikes, it bites and a strange blight
A horror it was, I was wrong …oh so wrong!
People …. Oh Allah make me strong!

Cancer to the planet and to the mind,
There is no friend in this endless grind
Writhing in agony till eternity ….

Wake me from this dream.. this temptation
To the greater reality , my redemption

An Angel's Death !!

There is a certain pain. A tingling, but searing pain, even without a wound.

Maybe the same kind of pain, which we might feel, when we are separating something from ourselves. Something that is close to us. Something that we believe in. Something that makes our belief stronger in God. Something that makes you so sure that God is there taking care of you.

Today that belief was shaken.

And then there is that incessant pain, that accompanies wherever I go. My beliefs have been shaken badly. And It is up to me to make things right.

My angel died a few moments ago. She was there right beside my shoulder, hovering, with a twinkling halo around her head.
She came to my ear and murmured, " Beyond the boundaries, where the sun and the moon meet, beyond the great oceans, beyond the mountains and beyond the tangibility of reason ceases to persist. Where everything is one. Where there is no time. There you would find you eternal peace and moreover 'she' would be waiting for you there."

As the angel spoke to me, I felt the same warmth, the same sense of joy, the eternal sense of well-being.
Also some foreboding was preventing the flow of this warmth. I knew something was amiss.

As I was recuperating from this very sinking feeling and was ticking it off as being a fickle of my imagination, a sudden swoosh and in the instant of a heart beat, a crow had pounced upon my angel.
In an instant, I could see my sweetest being torn apart by her nemesis.

I felt sad, in fact very bad ..

Watched her die .....

Well she had to die .... For she lied to me , she lied to me about the eternal peace of mind, she lied to me about the place where the sun and the moon meet. and moreover she lied to me about the 'she' . :(

She was not my angel .... She was definitely not ....

And for that she had to die ......
I am unhappy, and yet to somewhat satisfaction, I had to watch her die ...

Angel Sighting !!!

It is almost one year here in XLRI. Things have changed a lot. New friends, new acquaintances and yet the same irksome yearning. It sets me thinking as to when was the first time that I felt this way. It was when I saw my angel for the first time.Yes now I remember. The financial requirements had me visiting the bank branch. That was the place where I first saw her. She was the sweetest thing that I had ever set eyes on. There she was, filling up some forms with her parents. I moment I saw her I recognized her. In fact as soon as I saw her I knew that she could have been no one else. I never thought that she would be that beautiful. "Beautiful" wouldn’t have been the right word for her. “Angelic” would have been more appropriate. The same feeling, that of yearning, of wanting to be wanted, wanting to be important in someone’s eyes swamped me. Each day I see her, the same feeling overcomes me.Things change, though some things persist. Things that haunt you torment you and wrench your very soul, long after they actually happen.
Yet some thoughts find a cozy corner and settle down generating warmth for a long time to come. I know that she is not my angel, but then the sighting was worth it.

Stoned musings !!

Life's an eye blink, It goes in a flash.
A passerby on the road that we pass,
As we drive by rash.
Life is the edge of the table, placed on it a glass;
One pull and and to smash (it)....
Waiter says,"Dont worry, I will clear!"
Carries on with his work, it is part of the God's bash.

Life is a bitch, alive to take a hitch,
All to get your neck slashed.
Life is a chance, a mere splash
of atoms and hash !!